The Wicked Warbler's Kiss
by BlaineWarbler
Summary: Blaine's Dalton blazer given to him by the Warblers' new, sinister leader causes Blaine to become overtaken by Evil!Blaine (an over-dramatic old school cartoon villain, apparently). His first foray into evil scheming? Kidnapping his ex-boyfriend. Pure crack humor mixed with a tiny spoonful of angst. Inspired by "Dynamic Duets" spoilers.


"Can we not do this? This is weird and I'm pretty sure you've already drugged me. I mean am I seriously in your basement right now? _Seriously?_ How'd you even get me on a plane while unconscious?" Kurt says, more curious and vexed at the moment rather than all out angry.

"A true villain never reveals his secrets, dearest Kurt!" Blaine says, sweeping in front of him again. He's been pacing back and forth in front of Kurt for as long as Kurt's been conscious. "Not until the final moment where everything is to be known!"

"Riiiiight," Kurt just says. "I'm going to ask if you've eaten something funny recently, Blaine, or if this is just all a figment of my imagination. Maybe you were put up to this?" _Any reasonable answer will do, really._

But Blaine just smiles, just slightly unhinged, and waltzes back up to his ex-boyfriend and puts a hand on the boy's chin, raising it slightly so that their eyes can meet.

He's standing over Kurt, who is seated and tied down into a chair, with some rather impressive knot-work going on. If Blaine is under the influence of something, it definitely doesn't seem to have affected his ability to tie rope.

"But you see, my darling, I am not Blaine at all. I am..._The Wicked Warbler!_"

Kurt just stares flatly at him for a moment, looking quite unimpressed.

"Oh. I see. That makes _complete_ sense," he says finally.

Blaine continues to pace, a rather demented-looking smile crossing his features as he begins to mutter silently to himself, laughing at his own jokes.

_Well, I guess sarcasm along with reason has no effect. Strange dream, it is,_ Kurt thinks. At least he'd be able to explain how he managed to get from New York City to Lima seemingly in his sleep.

"Unfortunately, you will have no chance for escape. I have rigged your chair with explosives. Should you attempt to free yourself in any way, this compound will sink into the earth, and we shall all be destroyed. _Mwaaaahahahahaha!_" Blaine cackles, throwing his head back and really getting into it. The old Dalton blazer Blaine is wearing does remind Kurt, however, of Wes's old tirades while wielding his all-powerful gavel. Where did he even get that blazer, anyway? He thought Blaine long since gave his old uniform away, claiming the only sentimental trinket he need keep from his time at Dalton was Kurt.

"Granting that's actually true and I'm not dreaming, and that you actually _did_ rig explosives to my chair-" Kurt looks over the side of the chair to the back and, sure enough, something is there... "because that's actually the play dough sculpture of Wile E. Coyote's dynamite sticks your cousin made you last year, by the way, not real explosives-wouldn't we all die in that scenario? How does that benefit you at all?"

"It is only a threat, beautiful one." Blaine sighs sadly, coming back up to Kurt and sinking in front of him. "For if I cannot have your love I will destroy anything and everything you have ever loved or ever could love, including myself." Kurt doesn't think now is an appropriate time to cry, but looking straight into Blaine's eyes and hearing those words, he is overcome with the need to tell Blaine that he is still in love with the crazy boy and-tied to a chair in Lima or heartbroken over broken trust in New York-none of that changes how he truly feels.

"Blaine, please. I don't know whether to find this entertaining or sad. But it really is painful."

"There is no true pain like a heart broken." Blaine says with a sigh, a hand over his chest.

Kurt can only agree, really.

"So you will give in to my demands, lest I destroy us both and leave our bones rotting in the earth forevermore!"

"Blaine, stop," Kurt says. "This is ridiculous and it's really gone too far now-"

"If you don't see my clearly superior point of view, Kurt, allow me to demonstrate what will happen should you refuse!"

Blaine gets up and makes his way to a side-table they often used to prepare snacks in the past. There's a microwave on top and plugged into the wall and Blaine takes several handfuls of popcorn kernels and drops them into a plastic cup, placing it in the microwave and turning the machine on.

"That's not a good idea..." Kurt sighs, knowing it's useless to tell Blaine anything to the contrary of his 'ingenious plans.'

Blaine stands a few feet back, ramrod straight, arms folded and head held high as the microwave whirs. Kernels start to pop up and out of the cup, while the weak, overheated plastic starts to burn and melt.

"Blaine, I think that's an excellent metaphor. Perhaps you should turn that off now before you set off the fire alarm?" Kurt calls over the popping.

"THOSE EXPLODING KERNELS ARE BUT A MERE REPRESENTATION OF MY TROUBLED SOUL, BURSTING AT THE SEAMS FROM YOUR DERISION AND REJECTION OF MY LOVE!"

"Have you been reading Jane Austen again?"

"THAT CUP IS ONLY SYMBOLIC OF MY DYING HEART WITHERING AND TURNING BLACK FROM A HOPELESSNESS ENDLESS AS TIME ITSELF!"

Black smoke starts to curl at the corners of the machine. Thankfully, though the air smells acrid, it does not set of any alarms (wait-wouldn't it be better if it did? He's still been tied into a chair by his obviously crazy ex-boyfriend, after all), when the timer on the microwave times out.

Blaine comes back up to Kurt with a sly, winning expression on his face. "Do you concede? Or do you need additional persuasion?"

"What am I conceding to, exactly?"

"You, Kurt Hummel, shall forfeit your heart to me forevermore!"

"I can't give my heart to someone I don't trust, Blaine! That's not how it works!" He is almost crying now. The game is getting old, and he just wants Blaine to snap out of it and realize that it's not working anymore.

But Blaine in the heat of the moment has pressed his lips to Kurt's, and is now moving his mouth so skillfully with Kurt's that Kurt just wants to loose himself in the moment and let go, let it happen.

But he can't. As much as he would like to give into a fantasy, he just can't. He turns his head away from Blaine's. "Blaine, no. I...you can't kiss this better and I don't want you to!"

But Blaine has taken Kurt's face and cradled it between his two hands. And since Kurt cannot move his arms or legs from their restraints, Kurt is helpless against Blaine's lips on his, trying to pry Kurt's mouth open with his tongue, now.

And Kurt wants it. Wants to concede to Blaine's demands. He already has, really. Blaine already owns his heart.

He reluctantly opens his lips and allows Blaine to slip inside. It's as wondrous and perfect as Kurt remembered. And so, so bittersweet.

After a few more minutes of their mouths moving together in the shadowed dark of the Wicked Warbler's lair, Blaine pulls at a couple strings around the chair and the rigging is undone.

Kurt is stunned for a moment by his sudden freedom, looking at Blaine and trying to catch his breath when the other boy pulls away to read his expression. "You cannot escape my clutches, Kurt Hummel," he says softly but menacingly. "I am skilled in the ways of Sinister Plotting."

"I'm sure you are," Kurt breathes, but instead of attempting to leave, he launches himself down on top of Blaine, pinning the other boy to the ground and kissing him senseless.

They rut against each other on the cold, hard concrete floor, Blaine becoming undone beneath him. "You are trying to weaken my strength, _ungh,_ but I can assure you-_hah,_ it will not work!" Blaine pants, his erection hitting Kurt's through their pants and making them both moan out.

Kurt stands Blaine up and quickly removes his own sweater and undershirt, Blaine unusually hesitant as he reaches for Kurt's pants. "What, this wasn't in the villain handbook at Evil Academy?" Kurt teases as he pushes Blaine's hands aside and locks lips with Blaine again, undoing the blazer's buttons as his kisses intensify.

Kurt slips the jacket from the boys shoulders and off his arms, letting it fall to the ground. He throws his arms up around Blaine's neck and breaks his kiss to whisper into his skin, "God, I missed you so much..."

He feels strong, familiar hands at his waist, and smiles. But suddenly, they are slightly pushing Kurt away, a look of confusion now on Blaine's face.

"Kurt...?" Blaine says, his voice cloudy as if awakening from a dream. "How did you...why are you...where is your _shirt?_"

Kurt just stands there, blinking, unsure of what's going on. Blaine is still staring at him like he's the crazy one.

All of a sudden the pair hear a familiar voice from the top of Blaine's basement staircase.

"Nightbird!" The voice calls urgently. "It's Dr. Y! My associates have your lair surrounded and are poised to enter at a moment's notice! Release your prisoner and you will not be harmed! We know the antidote for your condition! You must remove the Blazer of Evil and return to your true self! Fight the evil, Blaine! Fight it! Fight that evil, son!"

"It's alright, Artie!" Kurt calls back. "We've got it covered. Tell your minions to go home."

There's a pause.

"...Are you sure, Kurt?"

"I'm sure!" he calls back.

"I'm...so confused..." Blaine says, scratching his head and looking down at the blazer. Sniffing the air, he says, "why does it smell like popcorn and burnt plastic in here?"

Kurt just takes his hand. "I'll tell you all about it later. Well, the parts that I know of, at least. I think we need to talk about a few things, first," he says with a small smile.

Maybe everything will be alright after all.


End file.
